I Call Bullshit
That’s right. You heard me. I’m talking to you.
These are the words that I said to myself recently when I had a crisis of confidence. I was creating my new website and preparing to launch my podcast and I suddenly had the thoughts,
“I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“I’m no good at this.”
“No one is going to want what I have to offer.”
“Who do I think I am anyway?”
What was standing in my way? Me!
It was a self-doubt wave that literally knocked me off my feet. My production slowed and days turned into weeks. You see I had a pattern. I would get excited about something and then go strong at it, head first. Then as I got closer to completion or reaching the goal, doubt and fear would seep in and it would halt all progress. I would suddenly get busy with another project or something would happen and I would be given the opportunity to choose a different direction. It’s a pattern that followed me my whole life. It all felt plausible and excusable so I would divert my attention…and stay stuck.
Maybe this sounds familiar to you or is it just me?
What was I able to see this time? My Patterns.
This time was different though because I could see it. I could see the pattern and I asked myself, “Which me it talking? Is it the little me coming from my ego – I call this the “Inner Control Freak” – or is it the Big Me – the Inner Stillness – that comes from my centre?” You see, we all have several “mes” at any given time. They are created from experiences and decisions we make from those experiences.
Say you get yelled at in class as a child for being a chatterbox and then the teacher tells your parents and they scold you as well. A “me” may form that decides you want to be good and it’s safer to be quiet so you stop talking and you become more reserved. That carries on in life and people who meet you later think you are shy or uninterested and you become frustrated because you feel that no one really know you at all. Your Inner Control Freak has been running the show for years trying to keep you out of trouble but it’s been a lie – because that me was not coming from your Inner Stillness.
When we understand our patterns and where they come from, we can begin the process of calling Bullshit – telling that thought or fear that it is simply not true. Pouring love on our Inner Control Freak to thank it for doing its job and keeping us safe for so long. Forgiving ourselves when we held ourselves back from experiences, loving, laughter, living. Our brains are wired for survival but our hearts beat for expansion. Sometimes the two are at odd, but they don’t have to be.
Here’s some tips for making friends with you ICF!
If you begin to make friends with your Inner Control Freak, they will begin to release the reigns of control and become an integrated part of you. Here is a little ritual to help you do that. Grab your diary and get started!
- Find a quiet space and get comfortable. Start by breathing deeply into your body, your heart and feel the breath moving down to your belly. Do this 8 times asking for this part of you to come forward.
- Notice repeat patterns of behaviour in your life. Where have you gotten stuck before? Where are you stuck in your life now? Is it within your career? Relationship? Family?
- Ask yourself, who is the behaviour serving? Does it keep the peace with a partner or boss? Does it make you feel somehow safer?
- Write down how the behaviour makes you feel. If it feels like a retraction of energy instead of an expansion, then your Inner Control Freak is at work. Name this part of you. What does she want to be called?
- Call her by name and thank her for doing such a great job. She’s only been trying to keep you safe, not hurt you. So, let her know that. Then apologise for how you feel about her. Perhaps you judged her or you were ashamed of her. Apologise for that and ask for forgiveness. Then tell her that you love it. You love it for all it has been doing for you. Then imagine that you are wrapping your arms around them and feel that love pouring from your heart and into them.
- Then ask what they would like to be doing instead of what she’s doing currently. She may want to play, bake cakes or just hang out with you. Remember this part of you has the energy of a young child. What does she want? Let her know that you are taking control so she now has the freedom to do what she wants.
- Set her free! Imagine that she is doing what she wants instead of protecting you. Feel her energy as she shifts into her new awareness and feel that melting into you.
Try this each and every time you start to feel stuck in a repeating loop of behaviour. Yell, I call Bullshit and keep going. Because it is bullshit. You are wonderful. You are marvellous. You have talents and gifts to explore and share. Your voice is filled with wisdom and it’s time for you to share it.
So, I call Bullshit for me and for you! Be the Big You. Find your Inner Stillness and create the world you are looking for.
I see you and I love you.
Kia Aileen x
